Saturday, April 30, 2005

Never Again

We all have our own favorite movies that we wouldn't mind seeing over and over again. I, for one, don't think I'll ever get tired of "Dead Poets Society." Then again, there are some movies that are exactly the opposite: we see them once and we think "Well there goes two hours of my life completely wasted." Either that or we just don't see the relevance of subjecting ourselves to two more hours of the same old drivel. Like they say, once is enough, twice is (most definitely) WAY too much. Here are 5 movies that I don't think will show up in my DVD collection (legit or pirated) any time soon (or maybe they will, but good luck if they ever find their way inside the DVD player).


The only way anybody's ever going to get me to see this movie again is if they pay me P10,000 (ok, I can probably go as low as P5,000, but that's it). So it won a few Oscars and is the highest-grossing movie ever in the history of moving pictures. Big deal. It also has one of the cheesiest lines ever in the history of, well, moving pictures. Hearing Leo scream out "I'm the king of the world! Woohoo!" once is pure torture (*shudder*). I'm not going to be put through that kind of agony ever again. Don't get me wrong: Leo is a fine actor; Kate as well. And "Titanic" overall…not such a bad piece of filmmaking, when you think about it. (The fact that it won over "LA Confidential" that year though…sacrilege, almost). But the writing…what can I say that hasn't already been said? Well I'll say it anyway. The writing sucked big time. A sappy rich girl-poor boy love story set in one of the most infamous maritime disasters in history? "I'd like you to paint me wearing this…wearing only this…" (*cringe*) Who the hell says that? Then again, I'd like to see James Cameron's next directorial project. Just to see if he can write anything as bad, or even worse, than this.


We all know summer is usually the season for big-budget blockbusters with lots of car-chases and exploding airplanes and all that shit. Most of us also know that the bigger the budget of most of these movies, the smaller the actual quality of the writing gets. (See above). But this movie absolutely takes top prize as one of the worst summer movies, ever. Wild horses with unlimited iced tea and popcorn couldn't drag me back to see this movie again. It's bad enough they injected a thoroughly ludicrous love story in one of the most pivotal moments of World War Two, but they really screwed up with their history in many parts of the movie. Don't believe me? Is it really so much to ask that they use at least the same amount of all that money to get their history right instead of spending it all on the explosions and special effects and the actors' hefty paychecks? Come on. But, for those who actually enjoy the "intricacies" of wooden acting, at least they get a double dose from Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett. Jerry Bruckheimer really ought to stick with producing for TV (CSI and The Amazing Race)


I didn't know much about this movie when my friend and I saw it in the theater. If I had known it was as bad as I belatedly realized, of course I wouldn't have seen it in the first place. Which just goes to show that sometimes, it pays to find out a few things about the movie before deciding to pay good money to see it. For those who haven't seen this, I envy you. You should thank your lucky stars you did whatever it is that kept you away from this humongous piece of garbage. This is a movie about (surprise!) a really creepy old house, nay, a MANOR. Of course, a brand new family moves in and starts experiencing really weird stuff in and around it. Is it a ghost? Or is it just the psychotic ex-con who used to live in the house and decided to wreak havoc on the new inhabitants whom he feels is invading his property? Oh! It's the latter. Big frickin' deal. Sharon Stone and Dennis Quaid must've hit rock-bottom when they signed on for this. Oh well. At least we can look forward to Sharon in Basic Instinct 2…


The producers were probably thinking: "Heck, everybody's getting a major facelift for the new millennium. Why not the old Count?" Why not? Because there are some things that just shouldn't be messed with, that's why! Whoever the hell thought up the idea of equating Dracula with the biblical character Judas Iscariot must've been out of his skull. In the movie, Dracula is actually a blood-sucking version of Judas, who betrayed Jesus Christ for, you got it, 30 pieces of silver…Get it? The brains of this godforsaken mess theorizes that this is the reason why Dracula is afraid of silver bullets…because it frickin reminds him of how he betrayed Jesus! Some people might think that's...brilliant. I think it just plain sucks. Just talking about it makes me want to slam my head against a brick wall.


Mutant lizard terrorizes New York City. There aren't enough words to describe what a godawful waste it was to transport that hulking reptile from Japan to cater to American audiences. Blech.

There're a lot more crappy movies I wasted my time and 120 pesos on. Maybe I'll think about some of them and add to this list. Maybe not.


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